As I mentioned in a previous post, one of the main reasons I took a drastic right turn out of the rut of life’s hamster wheel of mediocrity was to role model to my two amazing teens that dreams can come true – if we take action and believe!!

Before turning the steering wheel a hard right, I did first have that discussion with them about what it would mean for all us. Being very transparent about having no extra money, needing to move (at that time not sure where), and there would likely be unexpected challenges along the way. Both of my children did not hesitate to say, YES lets go for it!!

In their eyes I saw something – was it hope?? In the edges of their trusting smiles I sensed many questions; “Will mom really stick with it and sincerely go for it?” “Will she not give up, no matter what?” “Will we end up homeless?” “Can one really manifest what they dream of?” Instead of throwing out these fearful thoughts they have quietly chosen to observe for the last five months and to periodically ask me little tid-bits that hint of their uncertainty.

As the days quickly passed by and the risks taken began to have their ripple effect on us, we would come together to discuss our options and what comes next. In January it was celebrating my fiftieth birthday with incredible family and friends, at that time we began to verbalize our dreams with others, with those that love us despite our crazy choices.

February saw the manifestation of getting a job to work on a farm to begin the journey of gaining hands on experience. It also brought us closer to the looming move from the home we had lived in for the past year. Gratefully tax returns caught up the rent and past due bills, while I juggled two restaurant jobs to keep us fed and moving along. I noticed during this time that the kids and I began to share more easily our dream; we each shared it in our own way without cringing in fear of judgement.

March 2nd, 2015 I showed up at 8:00am to start my first day at the farm!! Whoo Hoo…it was time to literally get my hands dirty in the reality of my chosen path. I humbly weeded, harvested, packaged, and pursued with enthusiasm anything I was asked to do. I found myself working with three others, all men, and all half my age. It filled my soul to smell the raw dirt, listen to the call of the Killdeer in field, and to take in the bountiful life that sprung forth in each green house. Each night I drove the forty-five minutes home feeling the ache in my neck, the throb in my lower back, and the grit under my short nails – it was AWESOME! Upon entering our home, my son and daughter would greet me, asking me questions about my day as I untied my boots and relieved my feet of their day bondage.

The end of March found us madly packing and preparing to sell almost all of our large unnecessary items. It was time to simplify, to really take leaps in the pursuit of our destiny. I watched with tears in my eyes and an overflowing heart as my kids piled up that which they chose to sell or let go to donation if it did not get selected by a buyer. The unselfishness of their actions humbled this mommy and opened me wide to the vulnerable awakening of living a life with wild intention.

April I found myself adjusting to the physical demands of the farm and we were all adjusting to our new home with the amazing family who shared their space. My son and I found that being roommates was kind of fun and my daughter enjoyed the full sized bunk bed, in the bedroom she share with a good buddy. We all began to pick our bathroom times, danced around each other in the kitchen and discovered the flow that respected everyone’s space and needs.

In mid-April I was gifted with an unexpected inspiration – my son quietly posted his first blog post!! If you take the time to read the first post you will feel my swelling pride and inflow of inspiration.

https://midtowneden.wordpress.com/

By the end of the month we chatted with the landlord about this community green space – my son signed his first lease agreement for a $1.00 per month to begin the journey of working towards one of his dreams!! It is exciting to watch your children grab hold of their own kite strings to fly into their dreams.

Each and every day I am brought to my knees in awe of my children’s faith in me, in their unparalleled support and encouragement – they mirror to me the inspiration that makes each moment a powerful choice! In my friends I hear the cheering section that despite their fears for me and my children, they rally behind us with such gracious love that we are overwhelmed with gratitude. And my family, well that is another powerful story…half of them definitely find me crazy, while the other half lifts my wings to continue to soar into that which is possible.

I can honestly say to you that in each moment of every day I see in the eyes of my children the mirrors of inspiration to keep stepping with faith. As I continue forth in the house of mirrors that are friends, family, nature, and….I view the reflection of pure potential and the truth that a community can change the world.

Stay tuned for the incredible miracle we are graced with next!!

Now that you know my dream,  it is time to share some of the miracles or as others would say the “falling into place” that life can share when you are on your soul’s path.

I found myself pondering which raw cheese I was going to select at my favorite local co-op, when I ran into a young man who had interviewed me almost a year prior, for a general manager position with a non-profit food hub. I was not offered the position, which in hindsight I was grateful for.  After the simple hellos I looked at him and asked, “Do you ever hire full time people for the farm?” He smiled and responded, “Yes we do, and actually soon we will be hiring people for the summer. We will need full time people starting in March.” A smile lit my face as I shared, “The kids and I have been making some life changes and I am wishing to gain experience in farming. I would love the opportunity to work on your farm.” He was kind enough to then introduce me to his father who had started the farm in 1988 with his wife, they began the venture for many of the same reasons I was presently pursuing such a path.

http://www.purplesagefarms.com/

After a nice short conversation they encouraged me to come out to the farm to visit and we could discuss the job possibilities at that time. I told them that I would be in touch soon to set a date. I found this serendipity meeting to be a beautiful sign for me. I had just received notification that morning that I had the opportunity to interview for a position at the college library where I had worked when I went back to school full time in 2009 to finish my lifelong degree (that is another story – four universities, 28 years, and 247 credits). I was not excited about this interview; however it did feel nice to FINALLY get an interview. I knew that the job at the library would put me behind a desk all day long, that I would be working inside, and shuffling information would be my job description – ugh…yuck…another job that would take the life out of me!

As soon as I got home I replied to the library interview to set a date. I then set up the farm visit for the day after. I did not ask myself why I was doing it this way; I trusted my gut, which was telling me how important all of this was. As a side note, here is a link to one of my favorite articles about the “gut brain” an interesting read – http://philipshepherd.com/the-sun/.

Interview day number one arrived: I dressed myself up, drove to the library, parked and entered the known arena of Administrative Offices. I was greeted by an old friend I had worked with in the past at the front desk who then handed me off to my old boss, the main interviewer. Each interviewer on the panel introduced themselves and the litany of questions began, each person taking their rightful turn to inquire. I answered each question with sincere honesty as I gazed into the lack luster eyes of these women who had been living day in and day out behind these library doors. The bare wooden table sat between them and me. The walls were adorned with the perfect amount of pictures to look professional on the standard cream colored paint… I felt my heart cringing. In my brain I heard a small voice saying, “Can you really do this again? Can you live on a chair, at a desk, behind a computer for forty plus hours a week again?” Then it screamed at me, “Fawn this job will kill you!!”

I said my cordial thank you and walked out of the room, down the stairs, and as I pushed open the glass doors that led out onto the sunlit sidewalk I took in a very deep breath. I knew I would not get the job offer. I did not want the job offer. I could not do it again! I would not sell my soul for another pay check, I would not role model to my children that becoming the “walking dead” was the only choice I had!! Driving home I took in the busy streets, the people hurrying to be everywhere at once and yet truly going nowhere. I always marveled at how well humans followed the designated paths that society set out for them. Sadness pulled on my brain, hope stirred in my heart, and courage coursed through my veins as I navigated the multiple stop lights.

The next day found me donning my mustard gold Carhartt work pants, layering the shirts for the unpredictable early spring weather, and lacing up my old hiking boots; quite the contradiction from the day before. This felt good, this felt right, this had purpose attached to it. I settled into the car for the forty-five minute drive before me, taking in the changes as I left the bustling city to enter the rural farm lands. My body began to relax, a smile spread across my face as I took in the livestock I passed, my heart leapt with hope as I viewed small farm houses and pieces of land that curved naturally along waterways, and my mind eased its thinking to just BE.

Pulling up to the farm I took in the view around me. I listened to the sounds of the birds that swirled in mid air and I took in a deep breath of fresh crisp country air. Planting my feet on the dirt, I chuckled from within – no cement, no crosswalks, no passing people who would not look at me, the land breathed life back into me. Greeted by father and son I was given a farm tour. I absorbed all the smells, Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme… all neatly tucked behind the safe walls of greenhouses. As we stood together chatting about the farm and why I wanted to work there, the wind kissed my cheeks and swirled my graying hair in a dance of possibilities. “I would like to work here, if you would have me,” I stated. “Would you like to start March 2^nd at 8:00am?” the son replied. “Yes!!” I joyfully responded. We sealed this exchange with a solid handshake and eye contact, just like it used to be when I applied for jobs in my early twenties. This is the way it was supposed to be – human to human with respect, integrity, honesty, and trust. I liked these men and felt immense gratitude for the opportunity they were bestowing upon me.

As I drove home I danced with joy in my heart, singing loudly to an old John Denver CD that serenaded my spirit. At the edges of my psyche my cognitive brain clawed at me about the huge income loss with this job, and pecked at me about how I would be judged – “a farm hand, really??!!,” “Fawn how can you be so irresponsible to your family,” “You have a bachelors degree and you are going to pull weeds!” On the wind that snuck in through the barely open window I heard, “Farming like teaching is one of the noblest professions,” “You must stay true to your heart song,” “Don’t give up!”

My two amazing children greeted my news with high fives and hugs, all the while knowing we would be losing our home, and taking a big chance with this choice, each of us sacrificing in our own way.

I leave you today with a song that has recently inspired and comforted my journey. The ending lines I send to my children and all who wish to dance in the vibrancy of life!!!

“What’s your dream?” I love that line at the end of the movie Pretty Woman. Yep, there is definitely a Cinderella in this girl, but that is for another blog post; must say as a side note that my daughter loves the movie too…hmmmm, what is it about us girls and love?!

What is my dream? I shared that I have had the same dream for thirty years, well in actuality it has been thirty-three years. To be concrete that means that this fifty year old woman has been carrying a vision/dream in her heart since she was seventeen years old. In looking at the rear view mirror of my life I know that many experiences impacted this dream, my great grandpa’s farm where I would toddle along behind him to do the chores and play with salamanders in the musty dirty root cellar, my 100,000 acre back yard where I grew up wild and care-free, my outdoorsy father and grandpa who’s eyes twinkled with joy when they were immersed in nature, my big grandpa’s garden where he resided all those summers of my youth, my time in Australia as an exchange student absorbing the down-under spirit, the raw untamed beauty of Zimbabwe and its people, and the list goes on. The paths that we meander grow us into the people we become; all the while blooming into what comes next.

The base driving forces behind my dream reside in two inner knowing connections. The first has existed within me always and that is the truth that nature has been my true home, the place I find peace, acceptance, unconditional love, and inspiration. The second impacting piece is the clear knowing that without connection to others, life is a hollow experience, for a new car may be exciting, yet it holds no pleasure if no one will ride with you. You put these two things together and you have my dream – a sustainable community where people live and work in harmony with the world around them. Now I know this has once again become the “new back to the land” movement, like fashion I have watched this “fad” come and go every so many years. For me it is not a fleeting cool idea, it is an ingrained dream that lives and breathes within all my moments.

I can remember in my late teens trying to find books that would share with me stories of people who lived this way – I found a few in the obscure corners of dusty bookstores. Then delightfully in my late twenties it was the hip thing to do, so information was more readily available; even found myself on a solo road trip to the Grand Opening of the Real Goods Solar Living Center in Hopland California. Still the dots did not connect for me and I found myself stuck in the rut of “doing” life versus “living” life.I perpetually seemed unable to break the inertia of “normal life” and continued to try to fit in and do the “right thing”!

As I neared my fiftieth birthday I took stock of my crazy life journey. I realized that the dream still burned vibrantly in my being. The books purchased over three decades sat with dust gathering upon my shelves, and I was role modeling to my children that dreams do not come true!! The latter part of the previous sentence scorched like the sting of a scorpion. As a parent who loves her children beyond words, I really struggled with what I was role modeling and what the world around them was imbuing to them. When I was a junior high teacher I was immensely saddened by how many of the students I met that did not want to grow up, they saw no joy in the adult world that they were inheriting, instead all they saw was the burden of responsibility and dreariness of “going to work”. This experience teamed with my own children’s apathy for growing up made me hurt for the next generation. What were we as adults handing down to our children, what were we sharing with them in our daily living? One day I gave the assignment to write a paragraph about “What is your dream?” to the four classes I taught. After they wrote we opened the floor for classroom discussion, this was an eye opening, heartbreaking experience for me – many of them did not have dreams, others did not believe they could ever achieve their dreams, and still others so no benefit to having a dream or passion. A few had dreams, and a very few believed that they could achieve their dreams. This drove me to ask, “Who are your heroes?” this brought forth another ground shaking awareness that I can share at another time.

Finally a friend graced me with an analogy that bolted me like lightening on a sunny day. He said, “A friend once shared with me this analogy, there are two ways to get out of a rut, the first is to take a severe right or left turn and deal with the roller coaster ride that follows this choice and the second is to gradually keep trying to drive out of the rut. Sometimes you will get sucked back in, at other times you will make some progress.” It is funny how at pivotal moments in our life we hear the perfect thing to set our wheels in motion. His sharing hit me between the eyes!! For years and years I had been trying to GRADUALLY drive out of the rut, always being sucked back in…– YUCK!! The time had come to take the DRASTIC sharp right turn out of the rut and live true to my heart’s passion, to walk the truth of my all time favorite quote by Gandhi, “We must be the change we wish to see in the world.”

So here we are…; in pursuit, floating in the space of the unknown with trust, hope, love, faith, and openness to the miracles that come your way when you are on the path of the heart. There is more…there is always more, so until next time, be well.

Today I want to begin to dissect aspects of my original blog, clarifying so that you can begin to clearly see the journey we are on.

In yesterdays sharing I mentioned that we are “homeless” in the conventional sense. What does that mean exactly and how could I let that happen? Well, it all began last November when my job shifted from being a full time salaried Office Manager to becoming a part-time Territorial Sales Representative.  This shift meant that I spent two days on the road getting to and from the territory I covered and living in a hotel room for the weeks I did not have my children. My employer offered me the position full time, however as a divorced single mom I could not move my children away from the area we lived and I was absolutely not willing to sacrifice any time with my children. To fill the financial gap during the weeks I was “home” I juggled two restaurant jobs when they could schedule me. Long story short, the situation took its toll on us in many ways, financially, mentally, and physically, pushing me to evaluate again what were the most important things in my life.

I must jump back in time to share that in 2008 I lost my job, in 2009 I lost our family home, then later in 2009 I watched our white Honda CRV get pulled away, with tears rolling quietly down my cheeks I wondered if the $1.76 in my pocket would keep us off the streets. Thanks to friends and family we were blessed to housesit, find a home to rent, and managed to keep food on the table. During the course of this journey I faced the reality of how true homelessness happens, how all that we identify ourselves with can be ripped away no matter how hard you work or how authentically you live. At this time my children were nine and six years old, a tough time to have the world turn upside down.  As a woman I journeyed the reality of how in our society we identify ourselves by “what we do” and as a mother I realized how much emphasis we put on “what we provide” – it was an awakening time for coming home to the real truths of we are not our jobs and we are not our possessions. As I humbly walked the path of losing “everything,” I came to understand that the only thing that truly mattered is how I spent my time with those I loved and held dear. It all simplified to how do I keep my children fed, clothed, and safe while spending quality present time with them. We could live in a tent, with friends, in a one bedroom apartment; it did not matter as long as we were together. (Look to future posts for more on this powerful experience.)

So, here I was again in 2014 on the precipice of homelessness and doing all I could to find a new job. I applied for new jobs every week, sometimes up to five in one week. Gone were the days of getting a job in person, everything was on line and each resume and cover letter must be unique to the position. I spent many 3:00am mornings completing online tests for positions, writing cover letters, re-organizing my resume, and selling myself in hopes of finding a job that would allow me to provide for my family. Nothing….. My gracious landlord worked with me as I struggled forth. My dad helped me out and friends humbled me to my knees with their generosity. Ugh…I hated it!! Here I was again! Damn! I looked in the mirror, I saw a good woman, I saw a person with great work ethic, the reflection showed a kind, compassionate, honest sincere human – why could I not get a job that would ease our struggles???

March 31^st, 2015 found me walking the wooden floors of our echoing empty home. I looked at the bare white walls, listening to the memories that had taken place in this space called home. I ran my hand across the window pane where a year earlier we had looked out with hope at our new yard. I breathed in the ear shattering silence as I locked the door behind me at midnight to leave behind another home that had cradled us on our life journey. My children were with their dad, our dogs were living with friends, and I climbed into the car to drive the vacant streets to our new home for the next 2-3 months. Sliding my key into the locks I entered the home of dear friends, stealthily I walked to the bedroom where I would share a room with my son. Down the hall my daughter would bunk with her friend and in the last bedroom the couple who graciously offered us a home slept as I climbed into my bed that rested on the floor. Thanks to these very dear friends, we are not homeless! They welcomed us into their three bedroom, one bath, 1300 square foot home with gracious loving kindness. It has now almost been two months since we made this move and I can only say that I sit in AWE, GRATITUDE, and immense LOVE for the blessings in our lives. There is a profound thing that happens when you “lose” all the stuff that we use in this society to identify ourselves, you are vulnerably blown wide open to find the truth that resides within your heart, a truth that expands your ability to love and be grateful. While most would see us as having nothing, I experience us as being wealthy beyond what words can express.