At the young age of fifty-five, I find myself joyously standing in the center of that which has been and that which is preparing to blossom. An eloquent juxtaposition that feels like a merry-go-round spinning with exquisite suspended scenes.
In addition to my age gracing me with the realization that a lot of life has been lived, my children now soar off into their own adventures, pushing me out of the nest. As the truth becomes absorbed cellularly I find a gleefulness that encapsulates the carefree wild child I was and the passionate wise woman I am. Uniting and marrying the two for prophetic adventuring. A smile spreads, curiosity ignites, rhapsodic imagination takes flight.
In My Second Half…
I know I am worthy and divinely perfect as I am…
I unabashedly live, love, and explore…
I witness the beauty in the mirror, celebrating the gifts of time…
I gleefully embrace my enough-ness, freeing myself of unsolicited opinions…
I canter at full speed into the arena of my passionate dreams…
I leap with complete faith, burying with fervor the crib of regret…
I acknowledge with great gaiety that I am a success and always have been…
I sever the twine issued by judges, critics and fearful fanatics…
I am free to BE me, gyrating with grace into the infinite expansion of self…
I pledge to live engorged at the table of life…
In my second half, I welcome the rhapsody Carpe Diem…
Yes, everyday is a fresh stretched canvas. A posed pirouette. A barren page. A ballad awaiting melody. Oh what delighted mirth awaits in My Second Half…
I sat straight up in the small wooden chair. It reminded me an old childhood school chair. The room was empty, could I actually call it a room, for there were no walls and it went on forever. The space was just vast endless blue gray light. Only me and my chair. “Where was I? Why was I here? How do I escape?” I felt weighted down in the chair, my legs unresponsive to my minds tingling panic. I encouraged myself to calm down, to breathe, to trust and let go of fear.
Like a gigantic movie screen the space in front of me lit up with a life sized scene. It was me. Dressed in my favorite blue and red jeans with flowing light blue blouse speckled with daisies. My hair was blowing in every direction, encircling my young face and my feet as always were dirty with no shoes. The six year old me stepped closer, I was transfixed by her gaze and unable to look away.
She stopped in front of me, reaching out her small little hands to stroke my cheek. Our eyes stayed locked together, a mirror of soft sky blue. In her eyes I saw such deep love, compassion, and spirited joy. They begged me to relax, to let go, to trust and be present. I felt the emotions welling up in me, a tear slid down my face as I leaned into her tiny hand, so warm, soft and gentle. The fear slid out of my body, disappearing like mist in the infinite space.
“My dear Fawn, do you remember?” she asked. Her young voice broke the still silence. Her gentle caress continued to wipe the moist tears from my face. My eyes answered her question with confusion. “What was I to remember? Had I made a promise I forgot? Then it struck me, was I dead? Had I left my physical body and now was stuck in this random space with my young self.” Her vague question had jolted my mind into high drive, which started the generator of fear again.
“Shhhhh…, it’s okay”,she soothed, continuing to touch my forehead and gray hair. I took a deep breath and relaxed back into her presence. I tried to move my lips, but they seemed paralyzed as I processed this experience. “Do you remember the dreams we used to have, the adventures we were going to go on, the books we were going to write, the places we were going to see and photograph?” a giggle filled her body as she asked the questions. Before I could answer she placed her tiny finger on my lips to stop me, softly cooing, “Watch with me“. The space lit up with a panoramic scene, the young me running barefoot down my favorite path towards our small little house tucked in the woods.
I was singing as I bounced along the trail. I looked so healthy and vibrantly alive. Free and wild in my mind, heart and soul. I completely believed that anything was possible, I could go where ever I wanted, do what I dreamed and see all the places I could imagine. The world was the frontier, full of adventures, people and new experiences.
Everything froze, washing the image away. Then suddenly there I was again, this time in my late teens. I sat under my thinking tree, a magnificent red pine that stoically held me perched above the gurgling river below. A smile crossed my face as I remembered. Warm salty tears kissed the edges of my eyes, tears of gratitude, love, joy, sadness, loss, and regret. The weight of her small hand on my shoulder kept me present, despite the urge to slip into the quiet space of a time gone by.
“Go there” she pleaded . “Feel into what we were thinking, dreaming, feeling, wanting. Remember”, her words drifted off.
I felt myself remembering, my spirited body became filled with a blend of loss, desire and ignited hope. The sobs escaped through smiling lips and undecipherable laughter. The dreams of yesterday, of the little girl and young woman permeated my very essence. In my minds eye and hearts page, I saw the books I dreamed to write, I witnessed the exploration of new places, the connection with people around the globe, learning, sharing, bridging humanity with humanity and humanity with nature.
A gasp rose up and escaped my emotionally racked body. Like a bursting comet it hit me, “I still dreamed to connect humanity, to awaken people to their unique magnificence, to bring them home to their inner state of being, awakening them to their heart and souls desires.”
It all flushed through me, the remembered awareness that nature connected us, healed and reminded us of our true inner essence.
Bridge building, that’s what I felt called to share. The bridge between human and nature, the bridge between the inner self and outer being, the bridge between all humanity, exposing our similarities no matter our walk of life or place of existence.
I looked up into the innocent wise face of my younger self, she smiled, running her velvety hand down my cheek. She leaned in, kissed my forehead and disappeared. I sat frozen, uncertain what to feel or do. My being was digesting, absorbing the intense experience. In my ear I heard her softly whisper, “Thank you for remembering, take gentle care of you and I will see you again soon.”
I sat there mesmerized by my own vibrant memories. Rekindling the wild child, the wild woman in me. Closing my eyes, I took in a tender quiet breath. As I released the cleansing air from my lungs, I blinked my tired eyes to life, uncertain in the moment what was “real” or a “dream”. I laid there, feeling into the gift from my younger self.
To be continued…
Until then, what if –
You sat in an empty room with your younger self, viewing the cinema of your youth, what would you witness, learn, remember?
What would your younger self show you, tell you, share with you?
I quietly breathe in the sunset, yellow, red and orange hues kiss the clouds. They dance in sweet surrender upon the reflected ripples of the pond. Ducks scatter the image as they freely sculpt their own masterpiece. I sit in silent reverie, remembering why I started this blog. Why I love to flow upon the page, why I passionately dream for all beings a life of joy, peace, love and contentment in all moments.
Today on my walk I marveled at how nature cycles. This time of year in Idaho, the cold seeps into the earth, it squelches the flow of sap in the trees and slows the water to an ebony molasses. The naked trees acquiesce to the white blanket of snow crystals. Yet, beneath all this layered quiet, I can feel the vibrancy of life, the rich smells of growth waiting for the warm sunshine of longer days. Humans like nature, have much that circulates below the surface. Hidden deep within lies the truth, the dreams, the passions and desires; all of it waiting to blossom, to expose, to share.
“Walking Naked Truth”, what a bizarre title for a blog, right?!? Yet, I still love it after all these years, for it describes what I passionately wish for all people – To BE their true self from within. I describe the title more intimately in my “About” page –
“Walking = In choosing to step forward, we keep our momentum in the present moment. Electing to be open to the possibilities and aware of that which we consciously choose.
Naked = Standing exposed, open, and completely present. Free of walls, attachments, expectations, secrets, or shame. Choosing to be vulnerable, with an open heart and soul.
Truth = An inner knowing. A solid quiet space which resides within all. It vibrates with a sensation to share, and express in sincere, humble, integrity. Free of outside attachments, perceptions, expectations and judgments, it just is….
It is my personal belief that BEing our Naked Truth frees us to walk forth in life with passion, joy, and peace; open to the wonders of the world and each other. It un-encumbers us from staying stuck in victim, blame and shame. Embracing the truth propels us forward, walking towards a life of CHOICE.”
Everyday I marvel at how people struggle to BE their truth; to share what is really going on inside. Why? What are they afraid of? When did we forget how to share? A child does it quite easily, until they are told not to. A toddler freely expresses themselves, with no fear. As the years go by, the walls go up and the truth gets shut up inside. I experience that for many, they do not even know how to hear their personal truth anymore. It has become what they are told. It is what society, culture, friends and family say it should be. Squished into the innermost cavity of the body, it pulses with eager desire to freely express. To open up with exuberant passion, to unleash famished desires.
What if in this new decade you gave yourself permission to live life full on?
How much fun might you experience?
Can you imagine the freedom you could feel?
How might your relationships deepen?
What dreams could you bring to life?
Let’s play together! Let’s open up and share our individual truth, hopes, dreams and desires. Let’s dance with joyful abandon, sing with bravado, play with wild curiosity….
It starts with being quiet enough to hear and feel the truth which pulses within you.
In the quiet, start by asking yourself, “What do I feel in this moment?”
Then think briefly about something you are grateful for, notice what you feel in the new moment enriched by gratitude.
Play with a sad thought, an angry thought, an exciting thought, etc… Allow yourself to become familiar with how your body feels in each emotional experience. How your energy shifts. What your mind says and does. It is all about noticing and becoming aware.
Gift yourself with 10 minutes a day, allowing your mind, heart and soul to wander, to daydream and play – no agenda.
At first this may feel awkward, however as you continue to create time for it, you will begin to truly hear your own heart’s desire. Then you can build up the muscle to share with others.
Gradually increase the time, for in this open free flow, amazing ideas will spring forth. Inner connections with the true self will deepen and enrich.
Attached is a worksheet (click on image below to download) for you to use as you like. It will give you the space to really notice how you physically (body), mentally (mind) and emotionally (spirit) react. Becoming aware of your unique internal and external reactions, empowers you to begin to really hear and understand your inner truth. From this space, you get to joyously choose how you want to feel and be.
I am excited for all that we shall journey and share in 2020!!
May it be the start to you embracing and sharing with the world YOUR NAKED TRUTH…
What has brought me to this page to write about “Beingness”? In the chaotic busy world we live in, it almost sounds backwards from what we are taught. “Just Do It” is the mantra, right?! The key word there being “DO”.
I respect and honor that life does requiring us “Doing”. However, I have learned the hard way, that if you do not first live from that place of “Being” the DO is like swimming against the tide in a hurricane.
Who am I to write such stuff, you may ask? How can I remotely know how challenging life can be?
Well, life has gifted me with many opportunities to vulnerably surrender into the pure grace of BEINGNESS. I’ve had so many opportunities to “give up”, feel like a failure and choose not “good enough”.
Here are a few of those cutting edge times (perhaps you will relate):
I watched my car get pulled away because I could not make the payments. Leaving me and my two young children with our walking feet and bikes for a year and a half (my daughter was in first grade, my son in fourth).
I closed the door to my home of sixteen years, as the mortgage company took possession, for I could not make the payments. This amazing home grew me up as a woman, witnessed the birth of my two children and graced me with solace and peace in the storms of life.
I have lost jobs without warning, leaving me with no way to provide for my children and self.
I have juggled working three jobs to make ends meet.
I’ve experienced having only a $1.76 to my name and wondering how I was going to feed my family and keep a roof over our head.
I went back to college full time in my forties, while working a job and raising my 6 year old daughter and 9 year old son. At this time we had no car.
We had to move in with an incredibly gracious family for five months. Three teenagers, three adults, one bathroom in 1800 square feet. My 16 year old son and I were roommates during this time, his bed rested less than two feet from mine.
I had every penny garnished from my bank account by a credit card company. The money was for rent, food, and living expenses for my children and self. It was ALL gone. Discovered this loss as I tried to pay for our groceries.
These are just a few of the times in my life where I was pushed up against the wall to make a Choice.
The pure state of “Beingness” is the loving grace that calls one home to a truth beyond verbal sharing. It is the infinite calm in the storm, the peace in the chaos, the light in the dark… In a world that teaches “Do”, I wish to help you remember and discover the empowering gift of “Being” – for it is the loving, peaceful center within the storm.
What an amazing week it has been to explore our Expectations. Now it is time to decide for yourself which Expectations serve you, creating more in your life and which ones burden you, limiting your growth and joy?
Life is a constant journey of becoming. If we notice, breathe into our personal awareness and then choose for OURSELVES we start to travel down the path that is uniquely our own.