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What Have You Learned???…

As discussion begins to formulate around going back to work, I find myself in deep reflection. What did I learn about myself during this time? How do I feel as I stare down the barrel of returning to the 9-5 game established in this society?

My family and friends would easily share with you that I have never been very good at staying within the lines of “societal expectations”. Since I was a child there is a different drum that beats in my heart, like a far off voice, it beckons me to follow my heart’s desire, or as Joseph Campbell’s famous quote wisely shares, “Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.”

What a tightrope tap dance it has been for me. Like doing the “Hokey Pokey” I sometimes put my little foot in, however, more often I am yanking it out quickly, fearing it will get sucked into the quick sand of society. So many times along this journey I have quietly wished that I could be “content” with the cookie cutter society we’ve established, “just “Baaa…” along Fawn, follow the flock, be happy with what is, stop walking off the path,” I whisper to myself. The voice of “reason,” as some would call it, became even louder when I brought children into this world. In reflection, I wonder at moments, what if, I had chosen a path more in line with my values, like the movie “Captain Fantastic”. Of course part of my dream involved not doing it alone, I wished for that partner who also desired a sustainable life upon the land. Sooo.., I gave up on that dream, or better stated, I put it on the shelf where it has collected dust and cobwebs for years.

This unexpected time to truly just be with myself and my children has graced me with the opportunity to dust off the values and characters on the shelf; informing the spiders that they will no longer keep them company. In complete honesty, I started to dig into the protected chambers of my heart and soul when my son left for college three years ago, for his his sister was not far behind him. What did I desire for my second half of life? Where did I wish to live? Create, share, explore..? That time is now!

Pulling out my tightrope dancing shoes, gathering my dusted off values, passions and dreams I sit down to visit. Like grass erupting through concrete, the lusted for aspirations blossom anew. Pulling out pen and paper, my forever best friends, I make a list. What did I love about this “stay at home” time?

  • I loved not commuting to work.
  • I relished the quietness, listening to the layers of silence as they expanded.
  • I fell in love all over again with putting words to page, allowing my muse to dictate the flow.
  • I joyously celebrated the dream to “work & live” in the same place.
  • My body, mind and spirit relaxed into the beautiful simplicity, the washing away of chaos, stress and worry.
  • I celebrated the chance to only let in what inspired me, stirred my desires and ignited my passions.
  • Relishing the completely present time with my children, sharing meal creations, conversations, movies, games and walks.
  • Letting my body move without an alarm clock or tight schedule.
  • Sinking more deeply into the grace that nature offers in her infinite wisdom.
  • The gift to stay away from the chaos of the city, keeping my distance from the negative energy created by stress and angst.
  • The chance to play with new ideas, free of demands and interruption.
  • Allowing my quiet introverted soul to breathe deeply, embracing the peace that always is…

What did my list tell me? Certainly I can go back to “normal”, get back on the merry go round of commuting, punching in and out on the time clock, maintain a home, car, blah, blah, blah… Or I could begin to seriously listen to that far off voice. Encouraging the whispers of my heart and soul to rise in serenade, to crescendo into the new future.

I am curious, as we continue to navigate the COVID-19 phenomena,

  • What are you learning about yourself?
  • What is important?
  • What are your desires and dreams?
  • Do you want to go back to normal?
  • Were you happy?
  • Is this a new opportunity?
  • A chance to reflect, dust off forgotten wishes?
“Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Being alive is the meaning.” ~Joseph Campbell

I shall conclude today with another powerful quote from Joseph Campbell –

“We’re so engaged in doing things to achieve purposes of outer value that we forget the inner value, the rapture that is associated with being alive, is what it is all about.”

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Precipice of Time…

Her eyes sparkle with joyful trust, her feet skip with abandoned freedom, her voice rises with no apology and her hands reach for the dust that dances with her in the glittering sunlight. She is free and wild an ecstatic expression of the bliss which always is…

Her face was lined from years of living. Her eyes danced, bursting with memories etched like fireworks on a dark night. Her smile beckoned one to sit and listen. Her legs no longer danced, they lay bent and disfigured on the bed with raw open bed sores seeping at her hip joints. Her vibrant spirit encircled you the moment you stepped into her space, there was no victim in this room, no woe is me, instead one was greeted with dynamic passion, simple happiness, and a peacefulness that gently kissed you on the cheek. 

Who are the “her’s” I speak of? The first is me, dancing in my childhood living room, chasing the sun dust I stirred up with my exuberant joy. The second “her” is a divine woman I was blessed to care for in a nursing home years ago. Her aliveness, grace, peace, and love still dance in my memory. She and others I cared for knew a truth, as did the child in me. 

What did they know?

  • They knew that happiness, love, peace and contentment always exist.
  • They knew that it did not exist in things outside themselves.
  • They knew that it was accessible in all moments.
  • They knew that no one could give it to them, yet they lovingly shared it.
  • They knew it was a choice.

The years and space between innocent curious childhood and the wisdom of one’s latter years is full of “shoulds”, “comparisons”, “judgments”, and the measuring of the self against a society often ruled through fear and distrust. I do not have to sit very long in a cafe before I can hear someone criticizing themselves or attacking someone else. Stories swirl around like the sound of the espresso machine, surging with blame, shame, hurt, victimhood and discontent. It breeds like the flies on the patio tables, snatching up every scrappy morsel to add fuel to why their life is so miserable. 

Why do humans choose this?

A question I have pondered since I was five years old.

  • Why do we let go of our passionate desires to instead choose to fly someone else’s kite?
  • Why do we slam the door on the pure potential of joy?
  • Why do we kick happiness to the curb, to welcome and invite stressful frustration?
  • Why do we say “have to” instead of “get to”?
  • Why do we choose going through our days and moments on auto-pilot, waiting for someone or something else to make us better?
  • Do we prefer to wait, to lie on our deathbed watching the autobiographical movie of regret?
  • Why do we look in the mirror with such self contempt, as young children we loved our reflection?

I ask all of this with curiosity and a desire to understand.

In my sophomore year of college I was blessed to work at an international daycare. Here I witnessed children from all over the world. They danced, played, laughed and cried, living their moments very presently. They saw the world as a frontier to be explored. I sensed that the older children were on the fringe of losing this curious wonderment for life. In their play I observed them mimicking adults, their eyes would change, their jaw would set tightly, their voices would take on a serious tone. The joy, spontaneity, compassion and kindness evaporated, leaving behind a robotic body, controlled by the “taught” mind. 

Three years after working in a daycare, I found myself working in a nursing home. Here I discovered the grace and vengeance of aging. I was gifted to share time with souls who lived a full passionate life and others who were embittered with regret. The extreme chasm between the two slapped me stingingly as I would leave one room to enter another. My heart and soul ached for those fighting their own shadow. They carried their anger and sadness like a suitcase loaded with boulders, burdening their final days. These souls expressed through pinches, punches, and verbal abuse while you assisted them to the toilet, shower or dining hall. Off the clock, I cherished the moments I got to sit and listen to the stories from those celebrating life. Stories of falling in love, having children, riding in a car for the first time and rising above struggle. Reflections of the gentle flow of seasons, years, experiences and the pure grace of a life lived fully. 

Precipice of time…

In my forties I found myself teaching language arts to junior high students. Here I witnessed the cross over in technicolor poignancy. A few young people desperately clung to their innocent pure belief that anything is possible, that one could reach for their dreams with unbridled passion. The majority of the students had given up, they did not dream, instead they chased visions of their future painted on the wall by parents and society. They swallowed hard the doses of expectations fed to them with the famous mantra, “When I have lots of money I will be happy, when I get my degree I will be happy, when I buy a house I will be happy, when I marry I will be happy, WHEN I… I will then be HAPPY”

Ironically the joke is on us, for much of life is lived between the wild child and the wise elder. Thus I am forever grateful for the life altering gift of witnessing snapshots of age through my diverse professional life. They have  graced me with an awareness and microscopic view that life is really just a brief sojourn. A brief interlude to experience as I choose. 

Today I watch the sun dust with the pure delight of my four year old wonderment, I dance with unlimited joy, for I am not young, nor old, I am in between, kissing each with gratitude for their wisdom. 

Today I invite you to join me, breathe deeply into the child you once were before life manipulated you. 

Today I encourage you to take back the string to your own kite, feel it dance freely upon the wind. 

I wrote this piece originally over a year ago, today it whispered at me, beckoning me to share in this time of change upon our planet. We all sit unexpectedly in a space of suspended uncertainty. As we float between what was and what is becoming, we are being graced with a crystal ball that plays scenes from childhood, while positioning the paint brush towards a canvas of our elder years. Posed on a precipice, can you hear the whispers of grace and freedom? Or do you cling to the chaos of fear?

The wise gentle elders I was blessed to care for no longer inhabit this plane, yet the way they embraced their journey is written in permanent marker on my heart, soul, and mind. I shall not lie on the bed sores of life embittered and shriveled, I shall dance vibrantly in the sparkling company of dust particles…

If you ache for some soothing quiet, please enjoy some of my recorded guided meditations at – “Dawn with Fawn” on YouTube channel or read more at The Beingness Project.

In the quiet stillness lies the grace for more….
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Aftershocks of Uncertainty…

Guess What?… Uncertainty struck! It showed up with earth shaking realism!

And it continues… Idaho has experienced 37 aftershocks following the 6.5 magnitude that rattled everything last evening. According to the National Weather Service it was the second largest earthquake in the world for March 2020.

One would say, be careful what you say, type, or think, for you might get a real life example.

When I look in my review mirror, it is dotted with such moments. All in their own “glory” and unexpectedness. When I sit with those life experiences, really feeling into them and exploring their “aftershocks”, I am humbled, for they all lead to what comes next. More powerfully they have sculpted who I am today. Chiseling out the aspects of myself that did not serve or fit my new expansion.

This time in our world with COVID – 19 is another such opportunity. It is having many aftershocks for us to see and personally know, each and everyone of us is being hit by its quake in some form.

What will we choose to do with the experience?

  • Will you go back to life as it was?
  • Will you start out being more thoughtful and reflective in your daily choices, only to shift back to your norm?
  • Will your children, family, friends have the same memories as you?
  • During your “stay at home” time did you “numb out”, distract yourself, or embark on a new “self-love” behavior and habit?
  • Did you take this opportunity to make changes?
  • Did you reach out and connect with others?
  • Will you go back to the job you hate or did you work on your resume, determined to create change?
  • Did you learn to appreciate what you have or continue to take it for granted?
  • And….

I think the thing that always baffles me is why do we “need a wake up call” to create change? Why do people not take action steps daily towards their dreams?

This time has gifted me with the opportunity to reflect more deeply. I can honestly say that I have never truly given up, despite unexpected derailments and intense uncertain times, I have never fully given up. I still have three dreams that intertwine to co-create the life I intend to live.

They are in process, they are becoming, they are a part of who I am….

I am at choice to enjoy the journey along the way or get frustrated because it has not fully happened yet. Which sounds more fun to you? Personally I prefer the first, for I do respect, honor and know that life is absolutely splattered with Uncertainty! So, I choose to aim my rudder towards my desired destination, celebrating that there will be moments when it is a wild ride (here are a couple of those opportunities). I hang on with a sense of adventure, vulnerable openness and joy for the present moment.

What aftershocks will this time offer you?

  • Will you be a passive apathetic bystander?
  • Will you take action towards your dreams?
  • Will you reach out?
  • Will you embark on a new journey?
  • Will you cradle with gratitude the blessings in your life?
  • Will you empathetically honor and assist those most intimately struck by this virus?
  • ???

I have grown to understand that some of the most profound changes in life happen over time with small simple daily action. We do not have to have an earthquake, tsunami, or pandemic to create change in our life, we just have to Choose to step, “putting one foot in front of the other…”

The song says it all…

On that note, I wish you well on this glorious day, that shall never be again...

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Visions of a Younger Self…

I sat straight up in the small wooden chair. It reminded me an old childhood school chair. The room was empty, could I actually call it a room, for there were no walls and it went on forever. The space was just vast endless blue gray light. Only me and my chair. “Where was I? Why was I here? How do I escape?” I felt weighted down in the chair, my legs unresponsive to my minds tingling panic. I encouraged myself to calm down, to breathe, to trust and let go of fear.

Like a gigantic movie screen the space in front of me lit up with a life sized scene. It was me. Dressed in my favorite blue and red jeans with flowing light blue blouse speckled with daisies. My hair was blowing in every direction, encircling my young face and my feet as always were dirty with no shoes. The six year old me stepped closer, I was transfixed by her gaze and unable to look away.

She stopped in front of me, reaching out her small little hands to stroke my cheek. Our eyes stayed locked together, a mirror of soft sky blue. In her eyes I saw such deep love, compassion, and spirited joy. They begged me to relax, to let go, to trust and be present. I felt the emotions welling up in me, a tear slid down my face as I leaned into her tiny hand, so warm, soft and gentle. The fear slid out of my body, disappearing like mist in the infinite space.

“My dear Fawn, do you remember?” she asked. Her young voice broke the still silence. Her gentle caress continued to wipe the moist tears from my face. My eyes answered her question with confusion. “What was I to remember? Had I made a promise I forgot? Then it struck me, was I dead? Had I left my physical body and now was stuck in this random space with my young self.” Her vague question had jolted my mind into high drive, which started the generator of fear again.

“Shhhhh…, it’s okay”,she soothed, continuing to touch my forehead and gray hair. I took a deep breath and relaxed back into her presence. I tried to move my lips, but they seemed paralyzed as I processed this experience. “Do you remember the dreams we used to have, the adventures we were going to go on, the books we were going to write, the places we were going to see and photograph?” a giggle filled her body as she asked the questions. Before I could answer she placed her tiny finger on my lips to stop me, softly cooing, “Watch with me“. The space lit up with a panoramic scene, the young me running barefoot down my favorite path towards our small little house tucked in the woods.

I was singing as I bounced along the trail. I looked so healthy and vibrantly alive. Free and wild in my mind, heart and soul. I completely believed that anything was possible, I could go where ever I wanted, do what I dreamed and see all the places I could imagine. The world was the frontier, full of adventures, people and new experiences.

Everything froze, washing the image away. Then suddenly there I was again, this time in my late teens. I sat under my thinking tree, a magnificent red pine that stoically held me perched above the gurgling river below. A smile crossed my face as I remembered. Warm salty tears kissed the edges of my eyes, tears of gratitude, love, joy, sadness, loss, and regret. The weight of her small hand on my shoulder kept me present, despite the urge to slip into the quiet space of a time gone by.

“Go there” she pleaded . “Feel into what we were thinking, dreaming, feeling, wanting. Remember”, her words drifted off.

I felt myself remembering, my spirited body became filled with a blend of loss, desire and ignited hope. The sobs escaped through smiling lips and undecipherable laughter. The dreams of yesterday, of the little girl and young woman permeated my very essence. In my minds eye and hearts page, I saw the books I dreamed to write, I witnessed the exploration of new places, the connection with people around the globe, learning, sharing, bridging humanity with humanity and humanity with nature.

A gasp rose up and escaped my emotionally racked body. Like a bursting comet it hit me, “I still dreamed to connect humanity, to awaken people to their unique magnificence, to bring them home to their inner state of being, awakening them to their heart and souls desires.”

It all flushed through me, the remembered awareness that nature connected us, healed and reminded us of our true inner essence.

Bridge building, that’s what I felt called to share. The bridge between human and nature, the bridge between the inner self and outer being, the bridge between all humanity, exposing our similarities no matter our walk of life or place of existence.

I looked up into the innocent wise face of my younger self, she smiled, running her velvety hand down my cheek. She leaned in, kissed my forehead and disappeared. I sat frozen, uncertain what to feel or do. My being was digesting, absorbing the intense experience. In my ear I heard her softly whisper, “Thank you for remembering, take gentle care of you and I will see you again soon.”

I sat there mesmerized by my own vibrant memories. Rekindling the wild child, the wild woman in me. Closing my eyes, I took in a tender quiet breath. As I released the cleansing air from my lungs, I blinked my tired eyes to life, uncertain in the moment what was “real” or a “dream”. I laid there, feeling into the gift from my younger self.

To be continued…

Until then, what if –

  • You sat in an empty room with your younger self, viewing the cinema of your youth, what would you witness, learn, remember?
  • What would your younger self show you, tell you, share with you?
  • What dreams did you have?
  • What adventures did you wish for?
  • What did you love to do?

Care to share….

For more from me, visit – The Beingness Project

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What is Your Truth…?

I quietly breathe in the sunset, yellow, red and orange hues kiss the clouds. They dance in sweet surrender upon the reflected ripples of the pond. Ducks scatter the image as they freely sculpt their own masterpiece. I sit in silent reverie, remembering why I started this blog. Why I love to flow upon the page, why I passionately dream for all beings a life of joy, peace, love and contentment in all moments.

Nature expresses with such purity and truth…

Today on my walk I marveled at how nature cycles. This time of year in Idaho, the cold seeps into the earth, it squelches the flow of sap in the trees and slows the water to an ebony molasses. The naked trees acquiesce to the white blanket of snow crystals. Yet, beneath all this layered quiet, I can feel the vibrancy of life, the rich smells of growth waiting for the warm sunshine of longer days. Humans like nature, have much that circulates below the surface. Hidden deep within lies the truth, the dreams, the passions and desires; all of it waiting to blossom, to expose, to share.

The layers of silence echo with stories only the quiet ones can hear….

“Walking Naked Truth”, what a bizarre title for a blog, right?!? Yet, I still love it after all these years, for it describes what I passionately wish for all people – To BE their true self from within. I describe the title more intimately in my “About” page –

Walking = In choosing to step forward, we keep our momentum in the present moment. Electing to be open to the possibilities and aware of that which we consciously choose.

Naked = Standing exposed, open, and completely present. Free of walls, attachments, expectations, secrets, or shame. Choosing to be vulnerable, with an open heart and soul. 

Truth = An inner knowing. A solid quiet space which resides within all. It vibrates with a sensation to share, and express in sincere, humble, integrity. Free of outside attachments, perceptions, expectations and judgments, it just is….

It is my personal belief that BEing our Naked Truth frees us to walk forth in life with passion, joy, and peace; open to the wonders of the world and each other. It un-encumbers us from staying stuck in victim, blame and shame. Embracing the truth propels us forward, walking towards a life of CHOICE.”

Everyday I marvel at how people struggle to BE their truth; to share what is really going on inside. Why? What are they afraid of? When did we forget how to share? A child does it quite easily, until they are told not to. A toddler freely expresses themselves, with no fear. As the years go by, the walls go up and the truth gets shut up inside. I experience that for many, they do not even know how to hear their personal truth anymore. It has become what they are told. It is what society, culture, friends and family say it should be. Squished into the innermost cavity of the body, it pulses with eager desire to freely express. To open up with exuberant passion, to unleash famished desires.

  • What if in this new decade you gave yourself permission to live life full on?
  • How much fun might you experience?
  • Can you imagine the freedom you could feel?
  • How might your relationships deepen?
  • What dreams could you bring to life?

Let’s play together! Let’s open up and share our individual truth, hopes, dreams and desires. Let’s dance with joyful abandon, sing with bravado, play with wild curiosity….

  • It starts with being quiet enough to hear and feel the truth which pulses within you.
  • In the quiet, start by asking yourself, “What do I feel in this moment?”
  • Then think briefly about something you are grateful for, notice what you feel in the new moment enriched by gratitude.
  • Play with a sad thought, an angry thought, an exciting thought, etc… Allow yourself to become familiar with how your body feels in each emotional experience. How your energy shifts. What your mind says and does. It is all about noticing and becoming aware.
  • Gift yourself with 10 minutes a day, allowing your mind, heart and soul to wander, to daydream and play – no agenda.
  • At first this may feel awkward, however as you continue to create time for it, you will begin to truly hear your own heart’s desire. Then you can build up the muscle to share with others.
  • Gradually increase the time, for in this open free flow, amazing ideas will spring forth. Inner connections with the true self will deepen and enrich.
What might you discover by awakening to your true self…?

Attached is a worksheet (click on image below to download) for you to use as you like. It will give you the space to really notice how you physically (body), mentally (mind) and emotionally (spirit) react. Becoming aware of your unique internal and external reactions, empowers you to begin to really hear and understand your inner truth. From this space, you get to joyously choose how you want to feel and be.

I am excited for all that we shall journey and share in 2020!!

May it be the start to you embracing and sharing with the world YOUR NAKED TRUTH…

Join me for more fun at The Beingness Project

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Beingness is Grace…

In my last blog, I presented some of the opportunities life has gifted me with to explore Choice, to choose being a “victim” of my life story, or a “hero” lifted by gratitude.

Are you tired of hearing yourself tell the story about what “happened to you” AGAIN?

Are you ready to let go, surrender, forgive and thus open up space for more?

Do you prefer to repeat life patterns over and over and over again?

Do you enjoy being stuck in mediocrity and suffering?

The state of suffering is a choice… Your Choice!

Writing that last post was very difficult for me, I hear people say you have to share what you’ve come through, so people can relate. Yet, why? Why do I want to focus on that which was? Why would I not wish to live and celebrate in the here and now?

As I work with clients, and teach classes/workshops I am often shocked by how most people want to carry around their “sad story”. They choose to stay stuck between yesterday’s negative experience and today’s opportunity.

WHY???

While there are gifts in our reflections, they can also drown and blind us…

I wish for all people the pure Grace of Beingness! The Freedom, Peace, Joy, Expansive Gratitude and Playful Wonder of this space just makes me smile from within, creating a simple giggle.

I close today by asking you, “How do you want to journey life – stuck in your chosen suffering or dancing in the grace of Being?” It is Your Choice….

  • Today I challenge you, write down all the “stories” you have told over and over and over again while holding a negative emotion/energy.
  • Ask yourself if hanging onto this story serves you?

We shall explore more tomorrow.

Love, Freedom, Peace, Joy, Serenity, Grace lie within the space of your true Being…

If you Choose “Learning to Dance in the Grace of Beingness“, then continue to join me, for we shall explore more about Beingness and then next week dive into Transformation.

If you would like to explore more, go to The Beingness Project.