Was it written on my forehead? Could everyone see the truth? Was I bad person? Had I failed again? How do I tell my kids? My friends? My Family? Ugh…especially the latter group, for I had always been the misfit here, the “black sheep” who could “not succeed”.
I drove home with the secret hidden in my heart, in my soul, and in my every breath. I walked into my home, a tear slid down my cheek….F**k, here I was again!! Why me?? Yep, that age old victim question!! I knew there were no answers in that search engine, at least no answers that would logically make sense in the concrete world.
I had been here before, less than a year ago I walked this same path. I knew it way too intimately; for in truth I had visited this dark pit four times in my life, each time it struck a deeper part of my soul. The first time I was just under thirty, the second time I was just over forty with two young children, the third time I was fifty and this time I was embracing the last month of being fifty-one. In looking at this pattern one can definitely see that it has quickened, happening in a much faster pace. Someone/something was trying to get my attention!! The voice from within me screamed, “Enough already, stop trying to play the same game and expect different results – stop hitting your head against the wall!!”
Here I was, “jobless and unemployed” again. “You’re just not a good fit” were his words as he let me go three days before Thanksgiving. I knew it, I had felt it coming for weeks, I suppose even a few months, for truth always bubbles up. Life has a way of slapping you upside the head and saying “Hey, this job is not in line with your life purpose.” He was right, I did not fit, for many reasons – that story is for another day and time.
Today’s story is for every person who has ever felt they “failed”!! You walk around feeling like everyone can see your failure tattooed on your forehead, it is there when you go to pay for your groceries, tell a friend, share it on the next job application, and there when you breathe in and out! You toss and turn at night while you try to sleep, pushing the reality aside, praying with all you are for the answers to “how will I provide for my children, pay the rent, keep the heat going…” on and on it goes; the never ending litany of self abusive thoughts.
Why? Why do we feel shame around truths in our lives? Why do we hide and pretend? Why do we shut out those who might support and help us? Why do we criticize our very being?
I am here to share upon the page my raw vulnerable truth with no hiding, no pretending, and no denying – why you might wonder would I make this decision, take such a chance? I do it for my children, I do it for every student who ever had me as a teacher, I do it for every employee I hired, trained and worked with, I do it for my family and friends, I do it to free myself and hopefully others. For you see, real freedom lies in the naked exposure of our true self, in walking our talk with every action we embark on, in being that transparent loving truth no matter where we are or who we are with…that space is where joy, freedom, and true love live.
I want my children to dream and reach for the stars!! I want my students to never give up on their passions!! I want my actions and presence to be the difference! So today, tomorrow, the next day, and the next I shall step with pure purposeful action! I hope you will join me on the journey and share with others who you think might relate, find comfort, or inspiration. I continue to choose the path less traveled, however I joyfully anticipate that I will find more tracks there as we all come home to our dreams, desires, and heartfelt purpose.
Yes, I lost my job. I did not however lose who I am, or the courage to step with love and openness. I am not a failure, I am not a bad person, I did not do something wrong! Part of life is about falling down and getting back up, exploring dead end roads that lead you back home, and being able to see the light in the darkest nights. I hope that no matter where you are in life, that you will not lose sight of who you are from within, for your truth can set you free.
Marianne Williamson wisely stated – “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.” May you feel and understand the truth that you are not your job, your title, or your possessions – you are the unique special being/soul that runs through it all, taking action each day to be that difference in your life, in the life’s you touch, and in the world around you. Today I wish for you a deep breath with no fear, a moment where you release a self judgment that is harming you, and you take a moment to embrace with complete presence someone you love – for those are some of the real truths available for us all. Remember, you are not alone on this journey – ever….