As those that know me know, I have not walked a traditional path in any of the arenas of my life. Please understand that I have tried, truly I have – but it is like forcing a circle into a square peg!! That being said, I have grown to accept and celebrate this is who I am – honoring the immense experiences and gifts this way of living has bestowed upon me. However, it makes people uncomfortable; they don’t know what to say, they awkwardly wonder if they should feel sorry for me, or if there is something wrong with me, or….. I write this blog entry today for all the people like me and for all the people who do not get it.
I am a person who lives presently in each day, embracing the unfolding of each moment. I used to try to force myself to make goals, follow a plan, jump through hoops, check the boxes that society told me I should – but, then I realized living this way made me feel dead. It killed the dynamic grace of being present with all that was happening and becoming. It forced me to always be looking into the future, often missing the subtle grandeur of today.
So…I have engaged in over thirty five different jobs thus far, enjoyed the joys of over twenty relationships and I am still a young fifty year old with much yet to live!! Over the years my family and friends have worried with a gracious heart, wishing I would just settle down in one profession and one relationship. Yes, both of those things would offer “security” according to our societal teachings, but this is actually a false security – for life can change in a flash, and in truth we never know how long we have to enjoy what is….!
I engage in everything I do with 110% of my whole being! I show up at work with all of me, willing to serve to the best of my abilities. In relationship I offer myself wholly with no attachments or expectations – being honest to the very core of my being. Now the ironic twist to all of this is that for many this kind of presence is disconcerting and unsettling – they do not like to view themselves in the mirror, for when you show up in truthful, humble, complete presence you become a mirror for others to experience their way of being. It removes the “he said”, “she said”, the blame/shame, the need for right/wrong and opens instead a path for transparency that can offer incredible joy and love.
Do not get me wrong, I fall down and become prey to our taught drama victim roles, where we blame and hide. However, after years of practice (great books to read that teach about living presently, one of my favorites is the Four Agreements, by Miguel Ruiz) I do not waste much time in being a victim, for that only hurts me and those I love. Instead I embrace each life moment as a gift, a teaching, and an opportunity for more, smiling at the memory it will soon become.
Now a job may enter my life that I stay with for the rest of my living days, a relationship may enter my world that keeps me company til the end….Or not. I am open to any and all of the possibilities. In this moment as in all moments I overflow with gratitude for the unbelievable journey I have thus far traveled! There are no words to express what abundance life has bestowed upon me; the kind of abundance I get to take with me everywhere I go, not the material possessions that will not fit in my heart and soul.
So, please do not feel sorry for me, or uncomfortable, for my life has been immensely full, rich, and vibrantly alive! Can we instead sit down to share stories, laugh, cry, and BE in each others presence? Who knows what the rest of today shall bring, tomorrow, and…, I am excited to see and experience it all!!